Bit of Fun
by Lucy H
Summary: [Holby City] Ric and Diane don't always show other people what happens.
1. Bit of Fun

_Okay, so this is set between Tom coming back and Diane finding out… So it's set after Understanding and Sixty Minutes (which I think followed directly on from one another), so Diane's still mad at Ric for insulting her love life, and she doesn't know that Tom's back. Because Ric and Diane were so friendly in Tuesday's ep that something has to have happened between them arguing and then him asking her out. So this is my version of events hehe!_

_So, on with the fic!_

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Ric sighed inwardly as Diane walked past him, deliberately avoiding looking at him. 

"Diane!" 

She didn't stop walking, ignoring him. 

"Diane…" He wondered for a moment if she hadn't heard him, but knew that she had. He grabbed onto her arm to stop her.

She shook him away. "Get lost, Ric."

"Can I at least talk to you?" he asked her, following her along the corridor.

"Do you mean talk? Don't you mean insult my love life?" She stopped walking to glare at him, before carrying on.

He hurried to catch up with her. "Look, I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean it…"

"You still said it." She didn't betray how hurt she had been at that comment.

"Diane, I'm sorry, I really am!" There was a slight catch in his voice that forced her to look at him, and see how vulnerable he looked.

She sighed and turned to face him. "That really hurt, you know."

"You hurt me too."

"How?" she asked, clueless. 

"Diane, you cared more about what other people would think than about our friendship." He sighed heavily, looking suddenly quite a lot older.

"That was no reason to tell me that I'm a failure at relationships!" There was a strange mixture of anger and hurt in her eyes, but only the anger came over in her voice.

"That wasn't what I said." He was startled by the ferocity in her tone, and instinctively moved away slightly.

"You said that there was no wonder all my relationships failed." She shot him a look. This time, there was more hurt than anger, and she sighed, leaning against the wall. "You know what? You're actually right."

"What?"

"You're right. All my relationships do fail." She looked as though she was only just coming to this realisation, and instinctively reached for Ric's hand to support herself. 

"Diane…" He squeezed her hand gently. "Diane, don't be so stupid."

"Oh, so I'm a failure and I'm stupid?" There was a slightly hysterical note in her voice. "Thanks Ric, thanks a bunch."

"Diane, listen to yourself! You're blowing this all out of proportion." He shook her slightly. "I made one comment, heat of the moment, and you're obsessing over it. Calm down."

"I'm not obsessing," she replied quickly. "Ric, you had a point. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it…"

"I would! I was annoyed at you, I didn't mean it…" He began to stroke her hair, sighing. "I didn't mean to do this, Diane."

She brushed her hands across her face quickly, removing any trace of tears that might have been about to fall. "Forget it." She let go of his hand and moved away from him.

"Am I forgiven?" he asked, hopefully. From the look in her eyes, he could tell that forgetting wasn't an option, but forgiving might be. 

She smiled briefly. "Sure." But there was a distinct iciness in her voice still, and the smile that she had given him was merely civil. 

"What is it?" he asked, wanting her to let him in on her problems. 

"Nothing. I'm fine, really." She smiled falsely again, knowing that he could see through the façade, but not wanting to let him know how much he had hurt her. She began to walk off again.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," she replied briskly. She stopped for a moment, thinking. "Oh, by the way, did you find a place to stay?"

"Ah, yes, Jess and Lisa offered me a room." He wondered what she would have done had he said no. 

"Oh. Right." She hesitated for a moment, and began to walk away. She had been about to offer her spare room, just to prove to him that she could cope with what other people thought, but now… 

"Diane, wait just a second." He hurried to catch up with her. "There's something I need to tell you."

"What?" she asked warily. "I warn you, if it's anything about our history or…"

He laughed. "Don't worry. It's nothing to do with 'us'." Although he couldn't help thinking how nice it was to be holding her hand. Stop thinking like that, he told himself sternly. That's all in the past now.

"So what is it then?" She smiled, slightly relieved that he didn't want to discuss their history. It was easier this way, a lot easier. 

"You know Tom…?" he began slowly, seeing the smile fade quickly from her face.

"Tom Campbell-Gore?" she asked tensely, detaching herself from his touch again, and turning away. "Yes. Of course I know him."

"Diane, don't wander off!" he sighed, grabbing her by the shoulder to stop her walking away. "Look, I need to talk to you for a moment."

She leant against the wall and shrugged. "Sure."

"About Tom." He didn't know how to tell her this.

"Yeah?" She glanced down at her feet.

"He's come back…" He purposely avoided looking at her in the instant that he said that, and then felt the need to check on her and see that she was alright. The expression on her face was pure shock. 

"What…?" She looked down hurriedly, not wanting to betray the fact that it had shocked her this much.

"Are you alright?" He reached out to put an arm around her.

"I'm fine." She smiled. "So what, I went out with him a few times. People move past these things, just look at…" She paused, searching for an example that didn't involve the two of them.

"Us," Ric supplied unhelpfully.

She nodded. "Sure. Us." Always a good example, she thought to herself, annoyed. Still in love with one another. Great example. 

"What are you muttering about?" Ric queried, and Diane blushed as she realised she must have spoken out loud.

"Nothing…" She smiled. "Nothing at all."

"So you're alright about Tom being back, then?" he asked her, looking concerned.

"I'd prefer it if he wasn't, but I'm fine. It's not like I've got feelings for him or anything…" She broke off as he shot her a sceptical look. "I haven't! God no, of course I haven't!"

Ric laughed. "Good. You're much too good for him anyway." 

"Why thank you," she teased. "Seriously Ric, did you really think that I _could_ have feelings for him after what he did to me?"

"I know that people can't turn their feelings off so quickly," he returned, avoiding her question.

"But maybe I didn't have any feelings to turn off in the first place." She smiled sweetly at him. "It was a bit of fun, we went out a few times and I was not even remotely close to falling in love with him – I know better than that."

"Better than what? To fall in love with someone?" He was looking at her oddly.

She smiled apologetically. "It's not the right time just now."

"And yet you didn't mind dating Tom…"

"Like I said, that was just fun," she replied, slightly annoyed. He heard the irritated tone in her voice and looked apologetic.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" 

"No, no, it's alright. If he's back… how long is he back for, by the way?" she queried, trying not to sound to interested in the answer.

"I don't know. He's only locum consultant, so hopefully not too long." He put an arm around her casually. She looked slightly happier at his answer, and he hoped desperately, for her sake as well as his own, that Tom wouldn't be around for long.

She smiled. "Good. I don't think I could handle him staying for too long." It was a strange mixture of feelings inside her – the chief one that she could identify was anger. Anger at Tom for running off to America and then apparently running away from Anita as well. And there was a certain amount of humiliation – he had stood her up, in front of Ed, in front of Ric, and everyone had known about it. Hurt, because he hadn't treated her how she deserved to be treated. Dread, at knowing that she would have to see him again, and knowing that she would end up either shouting at him or crying to herself.

He laughed. "I don't think anyone could. Even Ed seemed annoyed at him."

"Ed?" Diane said, smothering a giggle. 

"If we keep it up, he'll be rushing back to Anita before Christmas…" Ric realised too late what he had said. "Oh, I didn't mean… I don't…"

She laughed at his discomfort, although she felt more like crying. "You're just going to dig yourself into a deeper hole, don't worry about it, I really am fine." She smiled. "I'll get over it," she assured him, leaning against the wall gently.

He wasn't convinced by her 'strong' exterior, but simply nodded, knowing that she would never admit to him if she didn't feel fine. She would never admit that anything was wrong until it was almost too late, but that was just Diane. He couldn't try and change her – she'd lived her life like that for thirty years and she wasn't likely to change now.

"I will!" she insisted. "God, it's only Tom, it's not a big deal."

"If you say so…" He moved slightly closer to her and squeezed her hand.

"I do say so," she teased, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Maybe Tom could make her feel like crying, but Ric always made her feel like smiling, he was a good friend and she knew that he would never hurt her. "You're a good friend, you know," she said softly, leaning slightly closer to him so that he could hear her.

"And so are you," he replied, whispering back.

She smiled and kissed him as he leaned towards her. He didn't object, but, as she moved away, looked slightly confused. "What was that?"

"Just a bit of fun," she said, smiling mischievously as she moved away from him. 

"Well… it was fun…" he agreed, slightly more slowly than normal. 

She paused. "I'd invite you back to mine…" Ric was slightly shocked at the innocent expression on her face. "But I'm on call and really should go." She kissed him again quickly. "We'll have to carry this on sometime."

"Diane…" he began, as she was walking off.

"What?" she called back, over her shoulder.

He sighed. "Nothing."


	2. Maybe

_Right then, I've decided to continue this, I know it's a while since I posted the first bit, but it's on my site if you haven't read it/have forgotten what on earth it was about hehe!_

_This is set after the end of Oepedius Wrecks – after Jess has cut up Ric's credit cards. Ric's mad at Jess, and Diane is still out on-call_.

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Ric waited until Jess was closeted in her room, listening to loud angry music, and Lisa was shut in the bathroom, singing to herself. When at last he was sure that no one would hear him, he silently slipped out of the door, leaving his key on the worktop. It wasn't as though Jess would miss him. Nor would Lisa. They only let him stay out of politeness, but, when it came down to it, he was a hassle, and they much preferred to have the flat to themselves, so they didn't always have to worry about keeping their music turned down, and keeping their boyfriends out of the way.

He was halfway down the stairs before he realised that it was dark, cold, and he didn't have a car. By the time he was outside, he'd realised that it was raining. 

"Great," he muttered to himself. "That's just fantastic." He sighed to himself, and folded the collar of his jacket up so that it covered some of his neck – it didn't help much, but it did make him feel as though he was doing something to protect himself from the rain.

By the time he'd walked half a mile down the road, and been soaked by the spray from a car driven by someone who looked a lot like Helen Grant, he realised that he had nowhere to go. Zubin lived miles away, much too far away to walk. Kath had offered him a place to stay and he'd turned her down – he couldn't turn back on that. And that left his last close friend. Diane. She'd told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to live with him, but he hadn't been desperate then. Now, he needed her more than ever. Surely she wouldn't turn him down now?

He was halfway to her place before he'd even realised it. Then it hit him suddenly… she was on call. She wouldn't be there. But at least he could shelter in her doorway or something until she arrived. And when she saw him, she wouldn't be able to turn him down. Of course she wouldn't. 

Sitting on her doorstep, feeling trickles of water meander down his neck, he almost began to fall asleep. Or at least, that was what it felt like. It wasn't sleep, not really. He was just losing track of time, most of his brain shutting down until all he was aware of was how cold the stone step was, how icy the water was, how chilling the wind was… And how long Diane was taking to come home.

But at least it gave him time to think. About… Diane. Who else did he ever need time to think about? She was never too far from his mind… he could think about her for hours and still not understand her. He could obsess over a single word that she said, turning it round in his mind, looking for hidden meanings, looking for a chance that she might have forgiven him, might have wanted him back… and if a simple word could confuse him so much, then it was no wonder that the kiss they had shared had catapulted him into a world of confusion.

What had she meant by it? Had she really just meant it as a bit of fun? Would she do that? Surely Diane would avoid opening that door again? She always skirted around any mention of their relationship, she'd mentioned it once or twice recently, but other than that, she avoided it like the plague. Maybe she was getting over it. Maybe she was falling in love with him. Maybe she loved him. Maybe he loved her.

Maybe? Oh no, there were no maybes in Ric's mind. He definitely loved her. He knew how he felt; it seemed as though he always had. And he was certain that she knew about his feelings. She just didn't want to broach the subject. Although, recently… he was getting more and more confused. He was starting to think that maybe they were at a stalemate. He thought that perhaps Zubin had more chance of getting anywhere with Diane than he did. Or Tom. He didn't want to see her with Tom again. Lately, he'd also been thinking that maybe it was time to move on… to find someone else. He didn't know who. He just thought that he'd spent too long waiting for Diane. But however much he told himself that he should move on, something stopped him.

He was at this point in his thoughts when he heard a car pull up, and Diane appeared, looking slightly confused to find Ric sitting on her doorstep. "Ric…" She didn't seem sure what to say. She stared at him for a moment, before realising that he was soaked with the rain. "What are you doing here? You're all wet, where have you been?" She took his arm and practically dragged him into her flat. "What the hell have you been doing?" she demanded, as she unlocked the door.

"I had an argument with Jess," he replied feebly, chuckling to make it seem less important than it was.

"So you thought you'd try and catch pneumonia?" She looked anxious as she disappeared into the bathroom for a moment to fetch him a towel. She returned a minute later and threw it at him, half-angry at how he had worried her. "God Ric, how could you be so irresponsible?" She began to take his jacket off him, all the while scolding him. "Do you realise how much you scared me when I saw you sitting there?"

"I'm sorry…"

"I thought you were a burglar or something! I thought you were going to attack me!" Her face was paler than usual, although her eyes shone with anger and belated fear.

"I'd never hurt you…"

"I know _you_ wouldn't, but I didn't know it was you!" She glared at him and threw his jacket down on a chair. Her heart was still pounding in her chest, and she was still trying not to shake with the delayed reaction to the shock. She didn't even bother to mention how scared she had been when she had realised it was Ric. It had been the expression on his face that had scared her the most. He had looked… as though he had given up entirely. And that wasn't something that she was used to seeing on Ric's face.

"I just didn't know where to go… I couldn't stay at Jess and Lisa's." He looked confused; he hadn't expected scoldings from Diane. He had expected sympathy, or he had hoped for it at least. He had fooled himself into believing that she would welcome him with open arms and tell him that it would all be alright. But that was something that even she couldn't do.

"Why not?" Diane snatched the towel off Ric and began to fold it up. 

"It's a long story."

"Well, I apparently have all night." She threw herself into a chair and motioned that Ric do the same. He sat down slowly, conscious of the fact that he was dripping wet.

"It's not that big a deal…" He tried to play it down.

Diane folded her arms. "Oh, so that's why you trekked over to mine and nearly caught your death by sitting in the rain for however many hours?" She shot him a stern look. She wished that if he were going to invade her flat, then he would at least let her in. She'd wanted him to let her in for a long time. She just wished it hadn't got so far before he did.

"I just wondered if I could spend the night with you…" He trailed off as he saw her blushes. "No… I didn't mean… no…" He shook his head. "I meant that… I can't face staying at Jess's tonight. Can I stay with you, please?" There was a plaintive note in that last word that won Diane over instantly.

She looked away. "I… I don't…" She sighed. "Yes. Of course you can."


	3. Into Her Soul

Carrying on from where we left off… 

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"Can I stay with you, please?" Ric asked, anxiously. The expression on his face won Diane over instantly, despite all of her concerns about people's rumours, his feelings, her feelings…  
  
She looked away. "I… I don't…" She sighed. "Yes. Of course you can."

"Thank you," he replied, the relief in his eyes immediately evident as he smiled. She smiled back at him, the tiredness in her eyes receding for a moment. Confusion crossed his face. "I'm not… I – I'm sorry, I…" He sighed. "I wouldn't be imposing, would I? I mean, this is your flat, you just finished a shift, you must be tired…"

She smiled slightly. He was right, she was incredibly tired. It felt as though she was trying desperately not to fall asleep as she sat there, but Ric needed her. "I am tired," she told him, feeling guilty as a rueful expression flickered over his face. "But it's alright… honestly, it is, Ric." She had felt guilty when she had refused to help him before; this was just making up for it. Whether she wanted him to stay or not, she owed it to him to let him stay.

"Are you sure?" He looked anxious and instinctively reached out to grab her hand. "Diane, I really do appreciate this, you know." He felt as though he needed to tell her, even if she already did know. He didn't want her to think as though he took her for granted, as though he was just using her.

"I know." The look in his eyes would have told her even if he hadn't. She stood up and detached her hand; he was getting too close. They were only friends. And friends didn't sit holding hands gazing into one another's eyes at three in the morning. "Do you want a drink?" she asked briskly, trying to shake the warm feeling from inside herself.

Slightly startled by her sudden change in manner, Ric was silent for a moment. "Ah… a cup of tea would be nice." She nodded and practically ran into the kitchen. Ric sat back, feeling suddenly deflated. He had thought for a moment, for the briefest of moments, that something might happen, might actually happen. And not like earlier, not a quick kiss in the corridor, brushed off hastily as a bit of fun, but something happening because they were caught in a moment of passion, because the chemistry between them had become too much to avoid, because the emotions were running high between them, because they both wanted it and knew what the consequences would be. 

She always ran away. Whenever he got too close, she always ran away. And he couldn't stop her. He had her within reach, she was there, if he reached out then he could hold her tightly and stop her from running, but to do that would be to force her to be part of something that she wasn't ready for. And he would never do that. If anything were ever to happen between them, it would be on her terms. He knew that. He was prepared for that. He _wanted_ that.

So did she. Even as she closed the kitchen door firmly and leant against it, breathing heavily to rid herself of the feelings that were threatening to overwhelm her, she was wishing that she had stayed there. That she had stayed in that moment, in that moment where anything could have happened. But she hadn't. She never let herself. To let herself stay there, stay with him, was dangerous. Too dangerous.

She couldn't let herself lose control. She was teetering on the edge already, but she wasn't going to go any further. No way. Falling in love with Ric, letting him spend more time with her, letting herself grow closer to him, trusting him with her life, with her emotions, would only lead to hurt. When it failed, then it would leave her shattered. And she couldn't do that. This way, she was with him, without the hurt. 

She didn't let herself think of what might happen if it didn't fail. It would fail. All of her relationships had failed. Most of them didn't even get past a few nights, they couldn't even be classed as relationships. That had been why she hadn't wanted Ric to stay with her. Staying with her could easily lead to something else, and she didn't want him to be another one-night stand. If… when… they got together, it would be more than that. Much more. She wanted it to be the one that lasted. She knew that she was contradicting herself; she was keeping herself locked away and still wanted to be with him, but that was the truth of it. If she could have had a guarantee, that they would last and that they would be forever, then she would have had no hesitation. But the thought of losing him… she couldn't bear it.

She looked at him shyly as she returned to the living room with two cups of tea. "There you go." She handed the cup to him, avoiding his gaze, embarrassment overwhelming her suddenly. Why should it? Why should she be embarrassed now, why now of all times? She was scolding herself mentally as she sat down and took a sip of her drink. _He's your best friend. Get over it. Get over him._

"You don't mind, do you?" Ric asked, tentatively, as he noticed the annoyed expression on Diane's face. 

"Mind what?" she asked, looking around as though she had only just noticed that someone else was in the room. She had known he was there all along, of course he was there, but she had been lost in her thoughts. Thoughts of him.

"Mind me staying here," he explained, looking concerned. "Are you alright?"

She looked slightly guilty. "Shouldn't I be? I'm fine. Absolutely fine, I've never been better, Ric." She knew that she sounded overly cheerful, and probably fake as well, but it was better than telling him that she was uncomfortable with him being there, that she wanted him to go, that she wanted him to stay forever… _Stop that now_.

"Are you sure?" There was a doubtful note in his voice as he wondered whether she was always like this when she was tired, or if it was because of him.

"Absolutely sure." She smiled at him, daring to let blue eyes meet brown, and seeing the gentle, concerned expression in them. Eyes are the windows to the soul, and if she could tell so much by just looking at him, then _what_ could he tell through her eyes? She looked down hurriedly, not daring to let herself be exposed any further.

The sudden changes of mood were confusing Ric. She had gone from flirtatious earlier on, to angry, to caring, to being so close to him that he could almost see into her soul, almost touch her heart, and now she had closed herself off again. He knew that she was scared, but so was he. "Diane…" he began, slowly. 

She looked up involuntarily at the odd tone of his voice. "What?" she asked, her voice sharper than she had meant it to be. 

"I think we should… talk…" He stopped, unsure of how to carry on. He didn't know how to have a heart-to-heart talk with her when she was glaring at him, her eyes shooting daggers at him. 

"What about?" She put her cup down and sat back, arms folded, looking as though she was ready to deny anything he accused her of. She wished that she could run now. Run anywhere, run as fast as she could. Because this was confusing and this was history repeating itself. And it was scary. Terrifying. 

"This. Us." He was about to say more, but she stood up and cut him off, thinking of a way out of what would be an uncomfortable conversation.

"Another time. I'm tired." She paused, realising that it had sounded slightly rude. "And you must be too, you walked a long way…"

He accepted that this wasn't the time to push the issue, but couldn't help saying one last thing. "Diane, you can't avoid this forever." He stood up and followed her into the kitchen. 

"I'm not avoiding anything, Ric." She smiled brightly at him before turning away again. 

"So you're totally fine with this situation?" he challenged her. "You're fine with me being here, spending time with you, acting as though nothing ever happened between us?" 

"Yes!" she insisted. It sounded wrong even to her, and she knew that he didn't believe her. He shot her a quizzical look, and she sighed, annoyed that he didn't believe her, even though she didn't believe herself. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight." 


	4. Comforting

_I'm still keeping to the 'proper' Holby timescale, so this is set between the episode that finishes with the gas explosion (whose name I can't remember, would anyone care to tell me? My VCR didn't tape the first five minutes of it, so I can't even check on the episode…) and **In The Bleak Midwinter**. So, Ric and Diane are still staying together but not too pleased with one another (which I can get away with cos they weren't together at all in the episode where Zubin found Kath!), and Diane doesn't know about Kath being stabbed._

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Diane dropped the plates she was washing up, sending them clattering to the floor and shattering, as she heard Ric open the door and come in slowly. She rushed out into the hallway, concerned.

"Where the hell have you been?" she demanded, automatically helping him out of his coat and taking his scarf.

Ric looked at her, seeming preoccupied. "I… there was an emergency." He didn't want to tell her, he didn't even want to think about Kath, about how she had looked, how she had lain there on that table, how she had been a patient and not his friend… He shook his head slightly and let Diane drag him into the living room, and half-push him onto the sofa.

"Sit down," she ordered him, giving him no choice in the matter as she pushed him. 

He nodded numbly, and felt his knees give way underneath him. He had spent hours sitting there, holding Kath's hand, desperately trying to turn back time and be able to help her, before it got too far. It hadn't worked. All that it had accomplished was to make him feel bad. He felt guilty; why hadn't he spotted that it was Kelly? Why hadn't he been the one to get hurt? Why had it been Kath?

"Where have you been, Ric?" Diane sat down on the footstool opposite, and glared at him. It wasn't so much anger as worry, the reaction of being worried about what might have happened to him, what might have caused him to be late… and none of the suggestions in her mind had been good. He might have had an accident; he could have fallen down the stairs, or he could have been knocked down by a car… why hadn't she waited to give him a lift? 

Ric looked at her, a blank expression on his face. He couldn't tell her, he just couldn't. She looked so innocent, so carefree, so naïve… how could he ruin that, how could he tell her that one of her friends, his friends, was lying unconscious in a hospital bed? Instead, he sought around for another way to tell her. "Have you – did you, have you spoken to Zubin?"

She looked at him, confused. "What…?" 

"Have you?" he repeated, insistently.

"I rang him, yeah. I was getting scared about where you were." She blushed slightly. "He just said that you were with a patient, and that you'd probably be home soon."

So he hadn't told her. Well, that was only to be expected. But it had been worth a try. "Diane, I need to talk to you…" 

She sat cross-legged on the footstool and looked expectantly at him. "What about?" Probably that stupid 'moment' from the previous night, she thought ruefully. 

"It's… it's about Kath." He held out a hand to her. "Come sit here." 

Slightly confused, she obeyed. "What about Kath? Is she okay? Is it Archer? Has she done something?" From the look on his face, she could tell that it wasn't anything good. He wouldn't look like that for something good. And, for Kath at the moment, it was bound to be bad news.

"Zubin…" Ric hesitated, wondering how to tell her. "Zubin found her, this afternoon, in Keller theatre…" He paused, but the look in his eyes forbade Diane from asking any questions. "She'd been stabbed."

"No…" She backed away from him, moving so that she was crouching near the arm of the sofa, ready to run if the conversation took a turn she didn't like. The expression on her face was pure shock, her normally pale face was paler, and her breathing was quick, she didn't believe him, she didn't, she didn't… "No… no, Ric… Kath, no, is she… how is she?" Her hands were shaking, she noticed.

He tried to pull her back towards him; he wasn't going to let her run this time. "She…" He stopped, clearing his throat, finding it hard to talk when Diane was looking like that, but needing to, because she was depending on him. "She'd been stabbed in the abdomen and… and in the chest. We had to remove the scalpel…"

"Scalpel… what scalpel?" Her breathing was returning to normal, but she was still shaking, feeling cold all over. She didn't need much encouragement to be pulled towards him, towards the safety that he provided. 

"She was stabbed with a scalpel…" He trailed off, seeing her face pale again. 

"Is… how is she?" she demanded, wanting to know, yet not wanting to know. She knew that being stabbed would always be serious. The abdomen and the chest, he had said. Without hearing more, she knew that it was serious. The expression on his face told her that.

"She'd lost a lot of blood," Ric began, hesitantly. "She was unconscious when Zubin found her, we don't know how long she'd been there for…" That hurt him to have to say that. Although he was almost certain that she hadn't been there when he had gone into theatre in the morning, he couldn't be sure. He wished, but wished wasn't a strong enough word, he longed with every fibre of his being to turn back time and be able to find her earlier, maybe they would have been able to do more.

"Ric, you're scaring me." There was an irrational fear in her mind. She didn't dare put it into words, but what if Kath… what if she hadn't… if it had gone badly…? "Just… tell me, please."

"She made it through theatre…" Ric thought it perhaps best not to tell Diane that Kath had arrested – there was no point in worrying her about something that had no bearing on the future. "She's unconscious now, still. She's in ITU, we'll need to keep an eye on her… the most I can say is that she's stable."

Diane nodded. Stable… it sounded good; if she hadn't been a doctor then it would probably have comforted her. If she hadn't known how many times she had told families that their loved ones were 'stable', only to see them die hours later. Stable was the word they used to comfort people, stable but critical, it meant nothing, all it meant was that they weren't deteriorating or getting better. Caught in a limbo. It meant nothing.

Ric leant back on the sofa and sighed. He was still shocked. He still couldn't believe that that had been Kath, the woman that he had seen with stab wounds to her body, it had been Kath, his friend, his colleague… she had been lying there, and he had made an incision in her stomach and he had… Without realising it, tears were forming in his eyes.

Diane moved closer to him, her eyes full of sympathy and tears. She couldn't imagine what it would have felt like to operate on a colleague. She'd operated on Tom, but that had been different. And on Tony, but again, it had been different. She had barely known Tony, and she hadn't liked Tom. But… Kath. This was Kath. Kath, one of Ric's closest friends, Zubin's friends, how could they have coped?

Ric found himself holding tightly onto Diane, probably too tightly, but he needed to, he needed to be reminded that this was real, that she was there. And, in turn, she found herself nestling closer to him than she perhaps should have done, but she just wanted to be held, to be comforted. 

"Ric…" Diane spoke softly after a few moments. Some tears had spilled over onto her cheeks, and she was still shocked, but she couldn't bear to sit in silence any longer, listening out for something inexplicably terrifying.

"Yeah?" He found himself smiling slightly, whatever the situation, at least he had her in his arms for once.

"Who… who did it?" There was a look of almost panic on her face as she asked.

Ric sighed; he had hoped that she wouldn't ask. "I…" He paused, taking a deep breath, and tilting her chin upwards so that he could see her expression. "It was Kelly Yorke. The police are looking for her now."

"No!" The disbelief in her face was evident. "No, you're joking. Kelly? It can't be!"

"I wouldn't joke about something as serious as that, Diane." He stroked her hair gently. 

"I mean… I never _liked_ the girl, but I never would have thought she'd be capable of…" She trailed off suddenly. "She did it all, didn't she? Sarah Palmer, Beth Oliver…"

Ric nodded. "She did. She must have done." 

"What a bitch." There was no anger in her voice; she was simply stating a fact. She looked up at Ric. "She had us all taken in, though. You liked her." There was a meaningful note in her voice as she said _you_. She was emphasising that she had never liked Kelly. 

For a moment, memories of Jess' birthday party rushed through Ric's head. Kelly, sitting next to him, lying on the bed, kissing him, kissing her… no. It had been a spur of the moment thing, not his responsibility, he had been stoned, and he had very definitely not encouraged her. But… how could he have kissed her? She had killed people, innocent patients. He was sickened.

"I never liked her," Diane continued. "She just… she always seemed odd, y'know?" There was a confident tone to her voice; this was something she could cope with. She could cope with slagging Kelly off. "Always there when something went wrong, very eager to judge people…"

"To judge _you_, you mean," Ric corrected her. 

"I thought she liked Kath, though." Diane shrugged, looking up at Ric. "Well, not _liked_, I don't know if the spawn of Satan is capable of liking anything…"

"Diane, don't talk about her like that… there might be some explanation…" Ric trailed off as he saw Diane's incredulity. "What? Diane, just because she didn't worship the ground you walk on…"

She sighed. "Ric, I'm not saying she's the spawn of Satan because she doesn't like me – who wants to be liked by a mass murderer?"

"Well, I'd rather be friends with one than enemies. It'd be safer." Ric shot her a humorous look. Finding humour in the situation was their way of dealing with things. It always had been, and it wasn't going to be changing any time soon. 

Suddenly, a flicker of shock crossed Diane's face. "She liked Kath. Oh God, she liked Kath!" She was almost shaking as she spoke, her eyes wide.

"What's the matter with that?" Ric stroked her hair comfortingly. 

"She _hated_ me, she absolutely hated me!" She pushed her hair behind her ears, trying to distract herself. "It could have been me, I mean, if she liked Kath and she did that to her, she didn't like me… oh God…"

Ric kissed her head. "Diane, there's no point in thinking like that. She didn't do anything to you, it's okay, it's okay…" He continued murmuring that until she had calmed down slightly. 

She laid her head on his shoulder, breathing deeply. "Thank you for telling me," she told him quietly. "It can't have been easy."

"It wasn't," he agreed. He reluctantly let her go as she stood up, stretching, her muscles stiff after sitting for a long time. 

"Are you alright?" she asked him, running her fingers lightly over his.

"I'll be fine," he replied, smiling. "It was a shock, but it was worse for Zube." He didn't like to mention the guilt he was feeling, a guilt that Zubin didn't have. 

"I can imagine." She helped him stand up, and smiled slightly. "I'm going to bed, I'm shattered." She leant in and kissed him gently on the cheek.

"Sleep well," he murmured, holding her close to him for a moment. As he let her go, he suddenly knew that he couldn't let her go, not tonight. He kissed her cheek, and as she didn't pull away, kissed her properly. 

For a moment, she was shocked; it had been so long since… she struggled to put a name to what was happening, this, just… this, had happened. She let him, she didn't mind it, she loved it, she loved him… no, don't even go there. This wasn't the time, it wasn't the place… it needed to be some other time, some time when it wouldn't just be a one-night stand, when it would be real, and it would be perfect. 

"Ric… no…" she whispered, breaking away from him, seeing the hurt in his eyes. "I – I'm sorry… we can't… we can't, not tonight."

"I love you," he told her, and she knew in that instant that she had made a mistake, that it would be better never to have said anything, just to have let him… let them… do whatever, to allow it to happen, because she had wanted to, she had wanted to so much.

"I… I can't. I'm so sorry Ric, I really am so sorry…" She clutched onto his hands as he began to walk away.

"No, it's my fault. Just… forget it ever happened." He walked away, leaving her to sink to the floor, tears spilling over onto her cheeks.


	5. Spell it Out

Oh damn, I promised a happy part, didn't I? Righty-o then… one happy part coming up! This is set between **In The Bleak Midwinter** (Christmas ep) and **Never Can Say Goodbye** (New Year ep).

--------

"So then he…"

"Ed?" Diane cut him off mid-sentence. It wasn't that she wasn't enjoying his company; she was having a lot more fun than she could have imagined possible at Tom Campbell-Gore's party, but she was starting to feel a bit concerned about Ric. He had promised that he would be there.

Ed stopped talking obligingly, and waited for her to speak. "What is it?" he queried.

"What time is it?" she asked, leaning back slightly more on the sofa and kicking her shoes off. "God, my feet are killing me!"

Ed glanced at his watch. "Midnight," he replied. "Why?" he added, looking at her, sitting despondently on the sofa, in an attitude that suggested she would rather have been anywhere but there, with him. 

"Oh, just… Ric said he'd be here," Diane answered casually. She didn't let herself look at Ed as she spoke; she didn't want to betray the fact that she was worried about where Ric was, worried that he might have decided to avoid her, worried about the millions of possible reasons that he might have been detained…

"Maybe there was an emergency," Ed suggested, taking Diane's glass off her and refilling it. "I wouldn't worry, you know, there's a thousand explanations for where he could be." He thought to himself that no one in their right mind would have willingly chosen to spend an evening at Tom's fancy new apartment listening to Tom making speeches… Although the free food was good.

"I'm not worried," she lied, smiling falsely. "I'm just wondering where he could be." She chipped at the nail polish on her thumb for a moment, distracting herself. 

"He'll be here," Ed reassured her.

Diane nodded, putting her feet up on the coffee table and taking a sip of her drink. Privately, she doubted it. He wouldn't want to be there, not with Tom being there, not with… not with her being there. They'd barely talked since that kiss the other night, and she knew that he felt embarrassed, so did she, but she didn't want it to ruin what they had. You could have had more, she told herself. You could have had more, but it's probably for the best, so don't dwell on it. Move on.

"Ed, Diane, can I sit down?" Zubin smiled at them both and sank onto the sofa next to Diane. 

"Zube, hi," Diane greeted him. "Have you seen Ric?" she asked, chipping a bit more of her nail polish away. "Is he working tonight, does he have plans, is…?"

"I'm not his keeper, Diane," he teased her. "You're the one who lives with him, you probably know more than I do. Although…" Zubin thought for a moment, as Diane sat up slightly to hear what he had to say. "I think he said he was going home, something about being tired?"

"Oh." She sank back, deflated. So he was avoiding her. 

"See, I told you there'd be a good explanation," Ed told her, smiling at her. 

"Yeah." She forced a smile. "I… I'm going to the bathroom," she informed Ed and Zubin. "I'll be right back." She wriggled her feet into her shoes and picked up her bag, and made her way through the crowded living room to the door. She didn't care whether it was the door to the bathroom or the front door; she just wanted to get out of there.

"Diane, leaving already?" Tom accosted her, standing in front of her and blocking her way.

She paused for a moment, not sure what to say. She knew that she'd gone red, and she knew that it was partially the heat, partially embarrassment, and partially anger. She'd never forgiven him. She never would. But that was irrelevant now. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled slightly at Tom. "Yes… I've, ah, I've got to go visit my parents tomorrow, I've got an early start, y'know, I really should go…" She knew that she'd just blurted out several excuses, none of which sounded believable, not to her ears. But she just wanted to get away from him.

He didn't look convinced, but stood aside to let her pass. "Merry Christmas," he told her, and she just nodded, making sure that he noticed that she hadn't returned the sentiment. Still, from the look on his face, he wouldn't be having a merry Christmas. She doubted whether he'd last the day out without resorting to alcohol. Part of her – a small part – pitied him. At least she had Ric. Tom had no one.

Although, she thought, as she was leaving and saw him approaching a young SHO, a new girl to start at Holby only a few weeks ago, Loren something, she thought that he looked happy enough – and Loren didn't seem to be objecting to Tom's advances. Well, he obviously hadn't wasted any time in getting over Anita. She shut the door slightly harder than was necessary, and fumbled in her bag for her car keys.

"You're not going to drive, are you?" Diane whirled around as she heard someone come up behind her.

"God!" she gasped, trying to catch her breath. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" she demanded of Ed, as he shrugged sheepishly.

"Well, it's better than crashing your car because you're hammered," he retorted, taking her keys off her.

"I'm perfectly sober, thank you very much." She sounded haughtily polite, and he backed away. She smiled guiltily. "Well… maybe I've had a bit to drink, but I'll be fine to drive." It was nice that he was concerned about her though.

Ed shrugged. "Fine. Don't blame me if the next time I see you, you're lying on a stretcher in the ED."

She leant against the wall, and snatched her keys back. "So how do you suggest I get home, then?" she asked. "Teleporting?" she added, sarcastically.

"I could drive you," he offered. "I've only had one glass of champagne."

She handed him her keys and gave him a push in the direction of her car. "Fine. You drive then." She opened one door and climbed in, closing her eyes sleepily. Maybe Ed was right; she wasn't in a fit state to drive. Not that she'd be telling him that. Never admit that you're wrong, always a good guideline. 

"Diane," he said, quietly but firmly. "Diane, don't go to sleep, I don't know where you live; I need you to direct me." 

She opened her eyes and looked around. "Oh… sure." She began to give him directions, noticing that it was pitch black, that there were mists of fog falling, and that it didn't look at all like Christmas. The thought of going home to Ric… that made it feel slightly nicer. It made home seem more welcoming.

"So, are you really living with Ric?" Ed queried, as he parked the car outside Diane's flat.

She looked at him, confused. "What?"

"Zubin, he said you and Ric were living together. Are you?" Ed persisted, curious.

"Yeah, he needed a place to stay, and, well, I couldn't exactly say no when he turned up on my doorstep, so we're living together." She felt a faint thrill of happiness and – was it? – pride rush through her as she spoke. She saw Ed's doubtful look and knew that he was wondering if they were still just friends, but she didn't say anything more to him on the subject. 

Ed shrugged, seeing her expression. "Oh, right." 

She opened the door and began to get out. "Do you want to come in for coffee or something?" 

"I'd love to," he replied instantly, but paused. "Ah… will Ric mind?" he asked, tentatively. 

"So what if he does? It's my flat." Diane spoke defiantly, but there was a look in her eyes that suggested she cared a lot more than she was letting on. She did care, of course. She cared about whether he'd mind, about if he was tired and she woke him up, about if he wasn't feeling well and she didn't let him sleep… But she also couldn't let Ed be stranded outside her flat – because she wasn't going to let him drive her car back.

"I don't know…" Ed shook his head. "I can just call a taxi home, I don't want to intrude." 

"Well at least come in and call from there, it's cold and dark and God knows what could happen to you out here," she insisted. 

The street was pitch black, the streetlights casting a dull glow onto the road, creating an almost eerie light, and Ed didn't need much encouragement to allow Diane to practically drag him inside. He stood awkwardly while she found her keys.

"Diane, I can wait here, you know, I… I really don't want to intrude." He felt awkward going into Diane's flat in the early hours of the morning, especially if Ric was there. "I don't want to disturb Ric if he's asleep or anything."

Diane sighed. "So just come in quietly then. Look, if you'd rather wait here, then do it, I'm not going to force you to come in…"

"I'll wait here then," Ed agreed, sounding relieved. 

"Wimp," Diane teased, unlocking the door and going in. "'Night then," she added, smiling at him. 

"'Night." He leant against the wall and took his mobile out of his pocket.

Diane shut the door firmly behind her with a click, and flicked the light switch on. She glanced around the room to check that everything was all right, and, after dropping her bag on the sofa, headed into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea before she went to bed. 

As she walked across the living room, kicking her shoes off and pulling on a cardigan that was on the arm of the sofa, she saw Ric moving in the kitchen.

"Morning," she called out to him. 

"Back already?" he asked, coming to the door and smiling at her. 

She felt herself smiling back automatically; there was just something about him that made her smile, made her feel happy, made… Oh, for God's sake! Just get a grip on yourself, she told herself. "Yeah, I just… well, it wasn't that fun, I just wanted to get home, y'know?" She plugged in the kettle and started boiling some water. "Want a drink?" 

"No, I've just had one." He sat on the table and watched her. "So was it really not fun?" he asked, as she sat down next to him, waiting for the kettle to boil. 

"Well… I suppose it was if I'd been in the mood for a party, but… well, y'know how these things are…" Confident that her answer had been as vague as she could make it, she swung her feet back and forwards a few times.

"You weren't in the mood for a party?" he queried. "You, Diane Lloyd, not in the mood for getting drunk in the presence of a lot of men?" he added, teasingly.

She hit him playfully. "Oi! You make me sound like… like… something I'm not," she finished lamely, giggling.

"So… why weren't you in the mood for it?" he asked her, sounding genuinely concerned. "Is anything wrong? Anything I should know about?" He pulled her into a hug, and she didn't object. It was nice to be there, like that… She realised he was waiting for an answer.

"Oh… I was, I was a bit worried… about you, about where you were, y'know." She looked up at him, smiling to try and lighten the situation. "But, y'know, if I'd have known you were sitting here drinking tea, then I wouldn't have bothered worrying."

He laughed. "Well, I'm flattered that you did worry about me." 

"You said you'd be there, I just… I thought something might have happened to you." Like you decided that you couldn't face me and were avoiding me, she added to herself, but didn't dare say it out loud.

"Well, I was just talking to Kath, and then… well, I couldn't face it. It's been a long day," Ric told her.

"It has," she agreed. "So you weren't avoiding me then?" she blurted out, before she had the chance to think about it. When she heard the words, she cringed. She hadn't meant to say that. She hadn't meant to let on that she was thinking about… no, that had been a bad move.

"Avoiding you? Why… why would I be…? Oh…" He trailed off as he realised the reason, and as he saw the expression on her face. "Look, Diane, about that, just… just forget it. It was… it was a spur of the moment thing, we were both emotional…" He knew that he probably wasn't fooling her with his excuses, but he was embarrassed about what had happened, he wanted to explain it away.

She glanced up at him shrewdly. "You're lying," she stated calmly. 

"I'm not…" He stopped as he saw her look. "Maybe I am. But what do you want me to say?"

"Something along the lines of it not being a mistake?" she suggested, moving slightly closer to him.

"Diane, if you're just going to do this and push me away again afterwards, then… just don't." He sighed. "I can't take it, I can't handle you getting close and then backing away when it gets too much for you…" He stopped, looking at the expression in her eyes. 

"I'm sorry," she said, truly meaning it.

He let his fingers close over hers, looking at her silently for a few moments, noticing every little detail about her – especially her piercing blue eyes, staring intently at him, not tired despite how late it was. "So… maybe it wasn't a mistake," he told her finally, letting his words hang in the air.

She waited for a moment, unsure of whether he was going to say anything else, unsure of whether he was telling her the truth, unsure of whether she'd misheard, maybe he'd said something else, maybe she was dreaming, maybe this was all going to backfire on her and humiliate her. 

"Diane?" he prompted her after a few seconds. 

"What do you want me to say?" she asked quietly. She looked away from him, allowing her hands to fall away from his. "What do you want me to tell you, Ric?" 

He allowed her to take her hand away, and he put an arm around her, hoping upon hope that she would give him the answer that he wanted. "Tell me the truth. If you don't feel the same way, then we'll just forget it and put this whole conversation down to being drunk. If you do, then… well…" He trailed off, smiling at the mere thought of Diane feeling the same way as he did. 

She smiled at the expression that had settled on his face. "Well, I am drunk," she stated.

His face fell almost noticeably. "Well… alright then." He began to stand up, to get away from her, if she didn't want to be with him, then he needed to just be alone for a while.

She caught his hand; she couldn't let him believe that she thought that… no, she needed to tell him. "Let me finish!" she ordered. "I was going…"

"Diane, if you're going to reject me, then can we just leave it here?" he said, sighing. He snatched his hand away from her. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Ric, for God's sake listen to me!" She grabbed hold of his arm, as he was just about to walk through the door. When he didn't listen, she walked in front of him and blocked his way. "Listen to me!"

"Listen to what? Listen to you saying that you don't want to be with me? Diane, I'm not in the mood for that…" 

Not giving him any more chance to speak, she leant up and kissed him. When she pulled away from him, she shot him an indignant look. "Are you going to listen to me now?"

He looked slightly shocked, and nodded. "What, ah, what did you want to say?" He hoped desperately that she'd taken on board what he had said, that she wasn't going to run away, that she was going to stay for once, that she loved him…

"I was going to say that I was drunk but that I knew what I was saying." She smiled sweetly at him. 

"And what are you saying?" he demanded.

In response she leant in and kissed him. Pulling away, she twined her arms around his neck. "Do you need me to spell it out to you?"


End file.
